Let me start by saying this people, I really really didn’t think I was an alcoholic because, well, I didn’t drink every day at all. And obviously, if you don’t drink daily, you’re good, right?
Alcoholics miss work, I told myself. “I’ve never missed work.” (I mean, sure, I’d occasionally stumble into the office pretty fucked, still tasting last night’s tequila shots on my tongue and regret, but hey, I showed up. That counts for something!)
When I Started to Question It…
I was still going back and forth in my head: “Am I really an alcoholic? Nah, that’s for people who have DUIs or end up in jail, right?”
Wrong, someone in recovery eventually hit me with the truth bomb that rattled my whole reality: “If you have to try to control something, it means it’s already out of control.” And then there’s that brutal line, “You can’t control AND enjoy your drinking.”
Oh. Crap. That’s me. If I control it, I’m sitting there sipping my sad little mocktail, feeling like a monk. And when I enjoy it, well, I’m face planting into a slice of pizza at 8 a.m, nose filled with cocaine, an empty bank account, 15 messages from people I’ve upset, and calling it a good time. Balance? What’s that?
The denial is proper real
Here’s the tricky thing about alcoholism, you can always find someone who’s worse off than you. I wasn’t in jail, I wasn’t living under a bridge, I wasn’t guzzling vodka in one of the public toilets. I had a job (ish), a life (sort of), and looked relatively functional (on good days). So clearly, I was fine, right? Not so fast. The real measure isn’t your job status or relationship. It’s inner peace. And guess what? I had absolutely zero of that
I do EVERYTHING to excess
The kicker for me is that it wasn’t just alcohol, I do EVERYTHING to excess. Got a new game? I’m up till sunrise, thumbs cramping. Got into jogging, I’m running like my life depends on it. Got a VR headset? I’ll live in it so long my forehead has a permanent dent.
When I got tried to get sober (the first time and hundredth time), I told myself, “You can have just one drink.” HA. Fast forward to me, drinking at 10 a.m for 2 days on a bender, blacked out, asking why my life had become a series of reruns over and over again
Alcohol – My peanut allergy
Here’s the thing, some people can casually sip on a glass of wine and go about their day. Lets me absolutely clear. I AM NOT those people. I don’t believe I become addicted after one sip, I think I become absolutely obsessed after one sip. My brain doesn’t register “casual.” It registers “all in or nothing.” Alcohol, for me, is like a peanut allergy. I can want to drink casually all I want, but the second I take that first sip, I’m going to go into anaphylactic shock and as much as I’m numb and excited about what’s gonna happen, the reality, is it fucks me right up
Acceptance – I’m more than just “An alcoholic and a drug addict”
I’ve come to terms with it. Yeah, I’m an alcoholic, I’m a drug addict, but guess what? I’m also a lot of other things, some good, some bad, and some downright weird (hello, 16 hour study sessions just for fun). But I don’t have to let alcohol define me, it’s just one part of who I am that I really don’t want the world to see again
I’m okay with not being a casual drinker, because I’m more than just that. I’m a writer, a business chap a guy who loves too much drum and bass for his own good. And if being hyper focused with ADHD helps me stay sober, well, that’s just another one of my strange but useful talents
So, what’s the point?
The moral of the story? Tbh I was just thinking this as writing, but we’re all a mix of strengths and weaknesses. Maybe alcohol isn’t your thing, but we all have something that’s our peanut butter. Something we can’t touch without consequences. And that’s okay. The key is recognizing it and owning it, with a dash of humor and a heavy dose of self-awareness
Thanks for coming to my TED Talk. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve EXCESSIVE amounts of writing to do
Peace out from your friendly neighbourhood ex drug dealer/addict