Fuck, I used to think I could change people, or at least influence them enough to make them treat me better. I’ve read a ton of books on influence, and how to persuade, but.
Spoiler alert: that’s not how people work
I’ve been gaslit, ignored, and straight up disrespected by people who, in retrospect, didn’t give a flying fuck about me as much as I thought they did. And here’s the hard truth, if you enter a relationship expecting people to change, you’re the problem, not them. I’ve also done the same things, it’s pretty fucked
What I’ve learned is that I’m more interested in understanding who people are at their core, what drives them, what they value, and how they navigate the world around them. Those things don’t magically shift just because you’re in their life lol, people are going to be who they are, whether or not you approve
You can’t change people (and that’s okay)
When you enter any kind of relationship, whether it’s romantic, platonic, or even professional, you have to just completely drop the expectation that you have any control over how another person behaves. You have to just accept them exactly as they are and look at the facts in front of you
The only actions you can control are your own, how you react, what you tolerate, what you expect, and how you treat others.
That’s the only real power you have
Every choice you make influences the dynamic between you and the other person, but it doesn’t guarantee any particular outcome
Sometimes people change for the better, sometimes for the worse, and often, they don’t change at all. And that’s fine, because it’s not mine or your job to force anyone to evolve into some ideal version of themselves you have in your head. We need to forgive people for not being the people we thought they were. The only thing you’re responsible for is who you are, and how you treat others.
It’s bout people, not categories
I don’t put much stock in the whole “men vs. women” debate that constantly rages on social media. I think it’s pretty shit to be honest. Honestly, I just treat people as people. It’s that simple. When we stop putting people in boxes and expecting them to act a certain way based on their gender or societal role, we start seeing them for who they really are, complex, flawed, and capable of both good and bad
If you can come into any relationship without expecting someone to change for you, and instead appreciate them for who they are right now, flaws and all, you’ll save yourself a lot of disappointment. I’ve learnt this, that you absolutely cannot control them because that just always ends in shit. You can only control how you respond to them, and ultimately, how you choose to live your life
So, what do I like in people. Self-awareness. Integrity. A willingness to be themselves without needing to fit anyones mold, especially mine. That’s what truly matters. Everything else is just noise
