So I’ve been really inspired to write a lot recently, and the the last couple of days have been really interesting. There’s definitely been some resentments lifted and I’ve had some really lovely chats with a couple of people I didn’t expect to speak to in a long time, that are important to me in my journey, and ones that I really value, and it’s made me realise that hey, life isn’t so black and white..so I’m really grateful some stuff has been lifted
Oh and I was supposed to fly to Spain tomorrow as it was booked, but I decided to delay it a week as I got a lot of important stuff to do, and decided that I’ll experience it even better next week when this stuff has been completed
Oh, I’m also re-writing my step 4 at the moment, turns out it’s a lot longer than my original one. More on this soon!
While I’m writing this, I’m currently watching some Ted Talks around how I feel what I feel, stopping doubts and tbh, I’m on just a Ted talk spree atm. I still don’t understand how I feel what I feel, and it turns out, I’m so emotionally unavailable it’s unreal as my therapist says. I thought it was the other way around, but hey, turns out I have not a clue
There is something that’s been really weird in a way, and that’s my behaviour around sex and relationships recently. Something has definitely changed inside of me with all this self work I’ve been doing on myself recently. Gym everyday, reading everyday, eating good healthy food, setting boundaries and not people pleasing, self affirmations and just loving myself. I find the more I love myself, the less I’m likely I am to seek external pleasure, and i’e been having a good old reset on my relationships too. more on this to come
So I’m pretty proud of myself of this stuff, because tbh, no one pushes me to do this. I might get forced into a hole, but hey, I look at a problem, and I fix it. If there’s problems with myself, I correct them. It’s something I really value about myself
Like I set myself plans like everyday for stuff around health, creativity, work, friendships, relationships, life goals etc etc. I think of it in my head like one of those polar equation things. Like everyday I think of my life as if there’s a 1-10 on each scale, and where I’m currently at, and I just like, reflect on where I’m at each day and what needs topping up. Kinda like the Sims
I’ve also been thinking a lot about my future recently after a lovely conversation with an ex (although I still don’t like that term) and when I left Amsterdam, I had two goals in mind. 1 being to get back into the medical system and get treated for this BPD etc. So I’ve been paying for private therapy, and doing whatever I can to make myself better, so the next person I’m with properly, if ever, gets the best version of me.
Also after 8 or so months, I’ve stabilised on medication, and the ADHD meds have done absolute wonders for me. The second objective was to run this business (or three/four lol), and I’m at the point where I’ve got clients, and financially I’m in such a better place. I should also have around 10k drop anytime in the next few months, along with some regular website work, along with like 4x exciting new projects I’m doing. PLUS the wedding videography stuff, 1x new Sober App which I’ve got the logos and mockups done (info TBC), and the others which tbh, I’ll write at a later date. Mad right, how life changes so quick
I do wanna talk more about that, but I’ll do that in the future
Theres also something around embracing uncertainty at the moment. I’m starting to believe more and more in myself and my instincts, and because of that, my uncertainty of the future is disappearing. It’s actually not really something I feel anymore. Whereas before I did, now I dont
I’ve also been doing a load of new small daily habits that have really helped. Like, I eat a pastry and an avocado every morning. LIKE EVERY MORNING. I also go for a walk or a run. I go to the gym everyday, and make sure I get around 20k steps in. So my health is pretty damn good, and tbh, I’m in pretty great shape physically
My creativity is flying and through the roof at the moment, and I’ve got some exciting stuff happening in the next 2-3 weeks. I’ve also increased my radio shows to 2 a week and do a latin house show. LOVE LATIN HOUSE.
I’ve also watched something interesting here – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v1ojZKWfShQ
It’s made my reflect on stuff around my environment at the moment, especially with the recovery work I do, and home life. I just get this sense that I’m not in the right environment that’s gonna help me thrive. I need to be around positive people, I need to be around dreamers and doers, people that say why we can, rather than why we can’t. Sometimes I do feel like I’m being dragged down in certain ways
I get it in my stomach, so I know there’s a change coming soon, which probably tbh, ties into my plans of travelling and moving into a van/minibus.
There’s also some stuff around rest that I’ve found really interesting, and my own time management. I should be in the next few weeks getting a full time admin assistant and web developer outsourced, which is super awesome, but I’m thinking, is my lack of time management/time, due to the fear of rejection on saying no to things? Therefore my calendar gets large?
But, I also think, I generally have a lot going on that I enjoy, so actually, maybe not. I’ve always been pretty good at rejection. In my sales career, I made like 50-100 calls a day over 10 years. and that’s like between 185,000 and 350,00 calls. 95% of them have been rejections. Plus everything else in life. I think I’m pretty damn good at rejection tbh.
So yeah, I take it back
Now onto relationships. I’m in this strange position right, where I don’t really wanna date anyone tbh, but there’s a bunch of people that want to do stuff with me that are really lovely, sweet and caring, as in, like just hang with no motives, but I don’t really wanna catch any sort of feeling for anyone, and I’m trying not to be too much of a dick, but like, I’ve had to reject some people recently as I’m working on personal stuff. So I guess that’s kinda cool?
And this is something I was talking to someone else about, is what’s the difference between denying myself intimacy and connection, which is what the human experience is about, because, we, as humans, want to connect right?
Then at what point, is it becoming detrimental to myself? Like, I love physical intimacy, I like hugging, cuddling, all that kinda stuff, so at what point do I become starved? Like it’s definitely my love language. Hmm, questions to think about
Anyway, I think I went on a little tangent there
Tomorrow I’ll be training, I’ve got potentially now 2x fights in November, and tbh, I think I wanna be out the country permanently by then, or at least a different city in the UK, getting kinda bored of Brighton. I’m eager to see and do some new stuff. Also a couple of website projects are done, so proper stoked to be able to deliver something I’m proud of
Oh, I also wrote a poem recently, wanna hear it?
Actually I’ve got 2x
I’ll start with this little one
I trace the lines of a thousand faces,
still searching,
for the one
that feels like home
That for me when I wrote it, was the llink to my DJ name Tracer, and searching is also something my therapist brought to me about my need to search. He thinks it’s some sort of fight or flight response, the same one that lead man out of the cave.
Here’s my second one,
your eyes held me
until my reflection blurred
and all that was left was truth
then you disappeared
into the shadows
leaving me to chase ghosts in the light
Brah, sick right… turns out mans a poet innit
Anyway, I’m gonna log off now. Big day tomorrow, like everyday. I’ve got a list as long as my arm to do, and and always, with ADHD, or whatever, maybe just my personality, Maybe I just enjoy life too much? hmm, not sure. Just a dopamine hunter baby
oh did I mention that I applied to live in a monastery for a few months? I’ll pray on it
Peace out x
