Woah, so we’re finally here, my first ever blog/journalling post and I guess, I’ll just writing about what’s been happening in my life recently and maybe, just maybe, getting some new perspectives on things and putting the words out into the words. So bear with me, I’m a bit rusty but this’ll develop over time.
I’ve been reading a lot about journalling, and I do it quite a lot on my own, but this is the first time I’m putting it out there into the world. EEK! I’m excited but also a little exposed, but I guess we’ll work on that as we go on
So what’s been happening?
Oh man, a lot, and to be honest, it’s been a wild ride this year as so much has changed, but so much also hasn’t. I think the biggest shift that’s happened this year, is that I feel like I’m achieving everything I set out to do and it’s happening all at once
I”ve launched 3x businesses, and soon to be involved in another one with a trusted friend and sorta like a mentor. I’m gonna be fighting again in November which I’m mega excited about and all the training, it’s good for my head, and my health, and it just gives me such a rush.
Obviously I’m writing this blog, and this was really inspired two fold really. One being that I’ve always wanted to start a blog on something I’m passionate about, and it’s been on my mind for a few years now, and through a bit of a jolt through someone that’s really special to me, made me realise that actually, what am I waiting for?
Two, I’ve got some old friends of mine, Mark and Tash, and when we used to meet up and talk, I had such incredible conversations with them, and such a good time, and they were blogging too, and it’s always something that’s really inspired me. We used to go to so many cool paces and events (I’m due to speak to them actually) So here we are, a combination of a bunch of things, plus, it also says in a book I’m ready about The Happiness Project, it said to start a blog. So here we are.
I’ve also been getting a hella lot of tattoos recently from Ben up in Bristol and Georgia down here in Brighton. Two people that I absolutely adore, and they have such good energy about them, and we just have a really cool connection. I do feel lucky to know them both and they’re incredible talents, and I’m honoured to have their art on my body. It’s something I’m really passionate about since I was a kid
I think the thing that kicked it off for me, is when I used to play video games a a kid, we had the option to customise our characters. I remember making wrestlers and they always had tattoos, and other characters etc. I just loved that we can customise our own skin with things we love, and it’s the only thing I’ll take to the grave, so I do believe it tells a story. Even though they suck ass with the pain, it’s like a weird feeling for me, it’s like, if I can get through the pain of some of these tattoos and put my mind to it, I can do anything
My DJing has really come back too, as I had a period where I was so stressed and my love for it really died out, and that was a bit strange as I don’t think I’ve had that before. The nail on the coffin was when I played down the volks and completely fucked up my set, with that damn mixer I wasn’t used it. I was SWEATING. But, after playing at the Essex Recovery Festival, the amount of people that came up to me and was like. YO, that was incredible, we really loved that. It really just pushed through that imposter syndrome I’d be holding on for such a long time. So if you’re out there reading, THANK YOU. MEANS THE WORLD.
What else, hmm, so, therapy has been interesting. I don’t wanna dive into it too much as it’s quite personal, but it’s really interesting to see my own behaviours, reactions to things. It’s quite intense, but oh man, I can see the changes happening around me and the way I am around people. More on this soon
Oh back to the business stuff, I was talking to Bex yesterday and it really made me realise how far and how far I’ve been pushing myself. Like, when I was figuring out what I want to re-train in, I stumbled upon an online course in web dev, and I just thought, I’m attracted to that out of anything, so lets go for it. I’ll let the course select me kinda vibes.
and I trained, I done a ton of courses not knowing where I was going, or if this was even a thing for me. then I built a site, and another, and then I built 100. Spent a ton of money on servers, learned about server configs, wordpress configs, tested all the plugins, SEO, designs, the whole lot. I just spent 12 hours a day just learning and learning and learning. Not knowing if I was doing it the right way, but I was drawn to it
fast forward to now, after more businesses courses, workshops and a ton of stuff, I’ve got clients now, some big projects, part of the Brighton Chamber, and turns out, everything I self taught, it works! holy balls. That was a weird one for me. So if you’re out there and you dunno what to do, follow your heart, follow your interests. Your interests pick you, you don’t pick your interests.
Bought a ton of new books, can’t wait to read them.
I’m also finding a ADHD coach at the moment, so I’ve sent out to 4x people and I’m gonna judge them on how they respond, I’m looking for someone fun, someone I’d like to be like or some sort of genius inside them that I want. so same again, I’ll let my gut feeling push me forward on that, rather than logic
It’s been nice to catch up with Mallory recently, love that girl to bits. It’s also been cool to catch up with Dan too, and loads of people in between, it’s also been pretty sweet to connect to some more people, and more on that later
I’ve been doing some work in a 12 step fellowship recently, and hmm, still a bit like, is this for me? So I conquered drug addiction, completed it mate. But recently, someone sparked another thought around sex and relationships and tbh, I love relationships and the companionship they bring, but evidence has told me, they don’t work out for me
However, a lot of those problems really stemmed fro my drug and alcohol addiction, as well as not knowing I had BPD and ADHD.
Even since I got sober, my relationships have actually been pretty great, and the people that I’ve dated, I’ve exited when stuff didn’t align with my values or there some some alarm bells ringing
But, I am open to taking a look, so everything I get into in the future, my partner will have someone that is the absolute best for them. the protect, loved, care, support and conquer dreams with. that’s what it is for me anyway. I’m not sure about anyone else, but I look for companionship, someone to travel with, laugh with, learn with, and as long as they have a growth mindset set, I find that very very attractive as we can grow 10x fold
I speak to my therapist about this a lot, so things are getting better and everyone i’ve connected with , has been quite healthy for me recently. I’ve set boundaries, told people where I’m at, what I like, what I don’t like, and I’ve been direct about what I want and need. I don’t believe beating around the bush is the way forward as it leads to ambiguity. If it feels familiar, run a mile a away…
So yeah, lots of work on that over the last few months, and to be honest, I’m ok on my own right now. I mean technically, I’ve always been on my own, as in life, we’re always alone. It’s only through some sort of connection with other people, or the thought of being connected, that makes us not feel like that. The more I work on myself, the more I treat myself right, go to the gym everyday, make sure I get fresh air, 20k steps, read, learn new exciting stuff, do things I love, make money, get creative and just believe that I’m enough, the less I need other people.
This is a good thing I guess, but there’s also that line of, we’re social creatures meant to be in communities, so juggling that at the moment around what’s healthy and what’s not healthy, as I kinda wanna run off into the wild every now and again, but I love community so…hmm. TBC
But oh yeah, where was I, sex and relationships. I don’t know if I do have a problem that much tbh, because I’m clean now, I’ve worked through a lot of stuff. I mean my sex stuff did need a little re-work and I’m learning, that just because sex is very available to me, I’ve gotta also make sure that I’m not using it to feel and express emotions
Anywho, I’m doing the whole celibacy thing again (do I call it celibacy?) feels like it, as it’s not my normal behaviour, until someone comes along that I really really like, that we’re both honest about where we’re at, and we both get what we need in a beautiful way. Because TBH, I see sex as connection and I’m not sure if I can just have ‘one-offs’ anymore
Might have to start another blog for this stuff
But hey, this is me, this is authentic, so I guess, it’s the right thing
Heading to rave later, can’t wait to get to the free party wherever the location is, gonna be lit lit
Now I think of it, and being honest about where I’m at, there is a girl, and I do miss her. She’s something special right, from the first day I saw here, I was like, FUCK. You are the most beautiful. the mostest, but also, I was like, she’s gonna be important in my life, and it turns out, it was reciprocated
anyway, I dont wanna dive too much as it’s personal, but I do miss her, and everyday I pray for her. I made a pact to myself, kinda like that Twilight thing when Jacob imprints (LAME) to look out for that person to the day ya die. and I swear to god, that was my experience. But it’s strange, because I don’t really understand what’s happening right now and I’m getting nasty feedback left right and centre, from people I didn’t really expect that from. But, I guess, if people don’t wanna listen to me, then tbh I don’t need to listen to them either right?
It’s clouded a lot of it tbh, but I always think wit the right communication, things can always be sorted, and should it present itself, I might be open to it but also tbh, my black and white thinking says absolutely not. But I also know that life is complex, and if stuff was to change, I’d marry that one. and I don’t say that lighthearted.
If it happens, sweet, like double sweet. if it doesn’t, that’s also cool because love, love isn’t conditional, but I’d always look out for her, just like I did with Bex (big shout out to Bex right now)
Oh did I mentioned we got a cat and had to give away the cat. SAD TIMES.
When I look back, I think I’ve come a long way this year, I can see the grace, maturity, and strength I’ve shown through it all. From these projects/businesses, to reigniting my passion for DJing, I’ve proven to myself that I can take on anything
I’ve proper embraced the uncomfortable parts of growth, whether in therapy or setting boundaries in relationships, and I’ve really stayed true to my values every step of the way. Even in moments of doubt, I’ve pushed through, and use every challenge as an opportunity to become stronger
I’m proud of the resilience I’ve built, and I know that whatever comes next, I have the power and the mindset to make it happen
I think I’m gonna end it there tbh, but dreams be happening, proper proud of myself actually tbh, I’ve got the capability to take something, and make it happen. It’s something my old MD used to say to me. Once it’s in your head Aaron, you’ll do everything to make it happen. And turns out, she’s right. and man, do I have a lot of ideas we’re pursuing right now. more on that as time passes.
Anyway gotta go, gotta drive to the rave and party till dawn. Plus I’ve got a flight to Spain tomorrow, hehe. love love
