Reflecting on M – 10th October Entry

Seeing M again was one of those really unexpected moments that both threw me right off and grounded me at the same time. We crossed paths randomly, but when we sat down to talk, it felt like the universe had planned it

Our conversation wasn’t just casual catching up; it was deep, honest, and raw. It was a real rare moment where two people, once so close, reconnected in a way that really mattered

M has always been special to me personally, no ifs, no buts, and she forever will be. There’s something about her that’s hard to describe. Her energy, her thoughtfulness, her ability to reflect on things in ways that not many people can, the way she talks and some of the daft funny things she says.

She mentioned feeling like she didn’t offer much in our time together, but godamn I saw it so differently. She brought so much more than she realized. The way she processes the world, and her surroundings, that’s something I’ve always admired about her. She thinks deeply, cares deeply, and that’s not something everyone has. It’s something most people say they have, but don’t actually have it

When she told me she felt like she didn’t bring anything to the table, it hit me quite hard to be honest. She couldn’t see the things that made me fall for her in the first place, her honesty, her ability to push through fears and be vulnerable, and her capacity to grow. I wanted to tell her that she brought a lot, more than she could ever know, and that she shouldn’t diminish her worth. I told her as much. She’s so special, not just to me but in the way she carries herself through life, and that’s rare, especially from my viewpoint. That’s why, out of all the people I’ve been with, she’s really stood out

Our conversation wasn’t just about our past relationship, though. It was about growth, her growth, my growth, and how we’ve both changed since then. Even though she says things haven’t really changed, I can see it in her. Sometimes they’re not external changes, but I see the internal changes in her and the sense of somewhat relief that she can process what’s been happening around her, also inside her. I’ve also been working on myself a lot. Therapy, journaling, and redirecting my energy into healthier outlets like MMA have been game changers for me. It’s allowed me to channel my own stuff in ways that don’t involve seeking validation from others or using intimacy as a way to cope. These are all the things that were brought to light, and I see her as a mirror, and that’s what I value about her, and why she means a lot to me. The pursuit of being a better man. That’s something we talked about, and I could see that it mattered to her. We even high fived over it – my progress in understanding myself and my relationships. That moment felt really powerful, like we were both acknowledging that we’ve come a long way and maybe, we both tackled a problem together, but like, in a way that’s just like, a nod and out of respect for the relationship we had

M has been doing her own reflecting too, and it shows. There’s a different energy about her now, a sense of maturity that wasn’t fully there before (like I got to know her a little more than what I’d seen before). She’s been thinking about what she wants to change, how she wants to move forward albeit not knowing how to get there, but I trust her and have so much faith in her and her abilities, and it’s inspiring to see. Growth is something I deeply value in people, and to see it happening in her is incredibly attractive. She’s taken accountability for her role in our break, just like I have, and I think that’s the key to why our conversation felt so different this time, there was no real blame, just understanding.

One thing that stuck with me was her honesty about how she felt stuck. She’s at a point where she’s ready for something new, for change, and I could see that desire in her eyes. She’s outgrown certain parts of her past and is looking for what’s next. I get that. I’m in a similar space myself, focusing on building something meaningful in my life, whether it’s my work, my health, or my relationships. But in a strange way, even though we’re both moving forward, it doesn’t feel like we’re on separate paths. It feels like we’re sharing different parts of the same journey

Apologizing to each other for the things that hurt was a relief. I could tell she genuinely meant it when she said she felt bad for how abruptly things ended. And I was able to own up to my mistakes, too. I’d been too forward at times, not sensitive enough to her emotional state, and I was guilty of double-texting and pushing for things without considering where she was at. It felt good to get that off my chest and even better to see her respond with understanding. It brought a kind of closure that was nice

That said, I don’t feel like this is the end for us. I still sense that underlying connection, something unresolved that’s just there, in the way we look at each other, in the way we still care about each other’s growth. It’s different from how I feel about other people in my past. With them, things feel fully closed. But with M, it’s like we’ve turned a page, but the book isn’t finished yet. There’s still something lingering, some part of our story that’s waiting to unfold, and I can’t shake that feeling

What really struck me during our conversation was how open we were about intimacy and sex. It was something that had been a bit of a stumbling block for us before, but now we were talking about it in a much more honest way. M expressed her own insecurities about my past relationships, and I think that’s something we both needed to address. The fact that we could have that conversation, without judgment, just openness, felt important. It felt like a step toward understanding each other better. And for me, it was a reminder that there’s more to intimacy than just the physical aspect. It’s about being emotionally available, about trust, about really hearing and seeing each other.

As we sat there, I couldn’t help but feel a sense of pride, not just in my own growth, but in hers too. M has matured in ways that are beautiful to witness. She’s no longer the person she was when we first met, and neither am I. But that’s what makes this whole thing so compelling. We’ve both changed, and yet, here we are, still connected in some way

I told her that she knows where to find me if she ever wants to talk again. And I meant it. I’m not pushing for anything, but I’m also not closing any doors. There’s still a lot of love I have for her, and while things between us might not be the same, I’m okay with that. What matters is that we’re both in a better place now, and I’m genuinely happy for her and proud of the person she’s becoming

I don’t know what the future holds for us. Maybe we’ll go our separate ways completely, or maybe our paths will cross again in a more meaningful way. Either way, I’m at peace with whatever happens next because I know we’ve both grown from our time together. And that, to me, is what matters most

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